Probably because relationships (and opinions) nowadays are becoming more and more like fashion accessories - similar to shoes and sun glasses - stuff to put on instagram.
You need the right "optics and sonics" to be a viable and valuable friend. Otherwise you are just an awkward country cousin without any connections that need excuses to made whenever in civilised company.
It seems like people have taken the saying "you become like the five people closest to you" to heart, but so few people today are desirable role models for anyone.
I think it is more like a cold war where the other that you open yourself towards could destroy you by putting the wrong picture or video online at any moment.
Having that trust in an other person can be quite difficult in an generation where everything is, and has to be on social media.
Relationships have historically been fashion accessories. Women were once considered legal property for a father to leverage in exchange for access to his son-in-law's wealth.
Love is a selfish pursuit. The vast majority of people, historically and in modern times, didn't pursue a relationship out of the goodness of their heart.
This is not at all how it worked in the past. The elite might trade women around, but that’s such a tiny part of the human population that it’s not at all representative for how the average person lived.
> the misfits to band together and form a counterculture.
They do, but they do it online, and across the entire globe, rather than by finding common cause with other local misfits, which leads to more social isolation, and the wheel keeps spinning.
I'm 38 and after having moved and gotten sober, I'm lonely as hell. People these days are very self-centered and not very interested in making new friends. Plus what they value in friends seems to be different than it used to be. Not to mention there are fewer spaces dedicated to male bonding which makes making guy friends even harder since everyone seems only interested in chasing romantic encounters most of the time.
Most developed world is around 2-3 generations of decreasing birthrate and so smaller families. That means younger people today have less siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, et cetera, when compared to older generations. Those used to be a solid baseline for socialization, and "stepping stones" for knowing more people. I wonder if this contributes somehow to the feeling of increased loneliness.
I have some friends from larger families with more than 4 siblings. They seem way more mature and socially adapted than my singleton friends.
I also have a theory that people often clump together in larger groups of givers/cooperators versus groups of takers/defectors. The giver groups usually exclude selfish people. The takers still end up in a social grouping, and may cooperate in the short term, but they just seem unaware that they are actually part of a group of fundamentally selfish people (what’s in it for me?) or rationalise their group as givers when they are actually takers (obvious religious and political examples).
I read somewhere that, "In order to be interesting, you have to be interested."
So many people are just not interested. Or maybe they're too afraid to be interested. Or maybe they have distorted expectations of themselves before they think they'll be cool enough to show interest. Starting a conversation feels like a massive risk.
And all of this existed before the pandemic started. Add all the social distancing to the mix and we have a population of introverts.
IME, join organizations that tie in with your interests. Gotta get into environments where you interact with others and find someone 'resonant' ... even other introverts! Join an organization which stimulates your interests: e.g. hobbies, games, volunteer (in or outdoors; people or tree-planting), try out something new non-technical (theatre, hiking).
To quote an old song, ""What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a Cabaret, old chum,Come to the Cabaret."
Guess what: being helicoptered/snowplowed/playe-dated through your entire childhood is what causes this - you have to build experience on your own and risking failure to ever learn on to make friends. When you are sheltered from taking risks or doing things on our own, this is what happens!!
I've seen this with employees as well - they can't do the more basic tasks like calling a customer or "playing nice" with other employees as a team.
I can vouch to that but it is my choice. I find it more enjoyable to dive into and research stuff that interests me than to hang out with friends from whom I can not learn anything. Information and knowledge is what drives me although it can become addiction and very unhealthy.
You need the right "optics and sonics" to be a viable and valuable friend. Otherwise you are just an awkward country cousin without any connections that need excuses to made whenever in civilised company.
It seems like people have taken the saying "you become like the five people closest to you" to heart, but so few people today are desirable role models for anyone.